I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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