Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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