Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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