Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
