Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
