I faked an abortion last night.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
