so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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