my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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