Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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