i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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