I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
