the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
