i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
