my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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