im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
