Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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