it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
