I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
