im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
