Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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