Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i now understand why vodka
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
