I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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