I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Sober January is a disaster.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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