Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
