Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
