there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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