my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
