I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
