i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
