We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
