69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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