I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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