Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
