you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
