I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
