Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
