Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
