I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
