And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
