Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
being pregnant is like rehab
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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