My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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