Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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