Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Randomize
