you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
