Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
