Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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