i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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