I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
