I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
