we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
If I die, sorry about rent.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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