you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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