one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
