I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
