fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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