can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
